That's Gonna Hurt


Coming up with a fresh blog post everyday is a challenge. But occasionally an idea presents itself--like last night. I punched myself in the face while sleeping. The wallop woke me and I discovered that I somehow cut the skin under my nose as well. What can I say? Weird things happen to me. But this got me thinking about other self-inflicted wounds. So let's have some fun and talk about all the myriad methods we've used to maim, scar, break, bruise, or otherwise injure our own bodies. I'll start.

The most famous of my many self-inflicted injuries occurred three years ago. I ran myself over with my own car. I stopped at the drive-through grocery store to buy a case of water. I decided to help by opening the sliding door. So I dropped the gearshift into park, well, I thought it was park. Actually it was neutral. I opened the door, stepped out and the car began to roll away from me. I stood there for a second and then got the bright idea to chase after my 2500 pound minivan and keep it from slamming into traffic. I grabbed onto the door and got pulled underneath. I managed to at least steer it away from traffic and the car finally stopped on the store's roadside sign but not before dragging me twenty feet or so. The manager came rushing to my rescue. He offered me a pint of Ben and Jerry's. I thought that was so sweet. Anyhoo, my injuries consisted of the world's largest bruise. I was black and blue from my ankle clear up my leg and onto my back. And I'm quite tall--long legs. Now it was after-all my son's birthday and I was also planning my daughter's wedding, so i didn't have time to go to the hospital. Three days later when the pain was unbearable I went to the ER. The doctor looked at me kind of funny and said, "You were run over by a two-ton vehicle and you are just now coming to the hospital?" Well yeah, I have priorities.

Over the years I have broken the same small toe three times by ramming into a stationary object with such force that I well, broke my toe.

Once, an Exacto knife got out of hand so to speak, flew three feet in the air, spun in all directions and finally came to a sudden and screeching halt embedded in the knuckle of my middle finger on my right hand. This necessitated a visit to the ER, an x-ray, minor surgery and two stitches.

I broke BOTH my arms at the same time. Technically this might not have been self-inflicted but I did ask my sister to push me as hard as she could while I was hanging from a bar suspended over very hard dirt. Both arms in casts.

I suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns on my left arm from spilling scalding coffee. And speaking of burns I have wounded the same place on my arm several times over the years by reaching into a hot oven.

Busted my thumb five seconds after being told, "Watch it, that window is not safe."

Gave myself a black eye when I pulled a book off a shelf.

Tripped down the steps for no apparent reason and bruised my butt so badly I didn’t want to sit down for a week.

Many years ago I broke a finger when I fell off the running board of a 1939 Ford. Don't ask why I was on the running board of a 1939 Ford going, well, I don’t know how fast, but fast enough to fling me to the ground as it rounded the corner.

My father had to use a pipe cutter to remove my finger from my bicycle handlebars. I just stuck my finger in there and it didn't come out as easily as it went in. Received a nasty cut from the rusted insides of said handlebars. I received a tetanus shot and ended up with an allergic reaction (horses) and spent the next couple of days with a swollen face.

Had to undergo a minor procedure when a piece of paper became lodged in my Eustachian tube while swimming (we think) and consequently caused a severe infection. I just remember brain numbing pain and the doctor doing something and the wadded up chunk of grossness shooting out my nose into one of those pink, kidney-shaped puke bowls.

So there you have it. Self-inflicted injuries. What's your story?

2 comments:

Phoebe said...

Yikes! And punching yourself in the face at night, not cool.

For me, a huge home made slip-n-slide on a hill in my friends back yard. With trees at the bottom. And rocks. I thought for sure I was going to scar, but everything healed after six months or so. Had some nice scabs for Youth Group the next night, though haha.

Laurie said...

OUCH! I was EXTREMELY accident prone as a child so the world was my predator:( (I have since been "delivered" of all my physical mishaps- well most of them!)
I ran over an apple tree w/lawnmower, busted my eye on a car door, burned our address book and that is my short list. Now I laugh at them!