You Might be a Perimenopausal Writer IF:

A few days ago we did a general discussion on You Might Be a Writer If: and the response was incredible. I've got some very clever readers out there. Thank you. But, today, I thought I would spice it up a bit and discuss a very special category of writer—The Perimenopausal Writer. Of course this is mostly for the women in the group but if a guy has knowledge of this by proximity then he is of course welcome to chime in. Otherwise, talk among yourselves.

You all know what it means to be perimenopausal? Right, fun! Fun! Fun! The hot flashes, the night sweats, palpitations, crankiness, depression, tears, hysterics, forgetfulness, and generalized bi*****ss. Well what if you are perimenopausal AND a writer. Now this is one extremely dangerous and possibly lethal combination. But how can you be sure if you are a perimenopausal writer? Well:

You might be a PM if you know that Black Cohash is NOT something you smoked in college.

You might be a PM because you have devised a method to kill off a character with A TAMPON!

You might be a PM if you completely forget the names and personalities of whole characters that just three seconds ago were the most important people in your life.

You might be a PM if you find yourself sobbing uncontrollably at the actions of a character one minute and devising cruel and unusual methods to kill him off the next.

You might be a PM if the hot flashes are so intense that the sprinklers are going off in your conference hotel room but you don't care because you are going to get this dang blame #$%%%@* scene written!

You might be a PM if you are happily googling a topic when suddenly you find yourself staring at the screen going, "Why am I researching volley balls? And what is my name?"

You might be a PM if you were once an organized, rigid plotter but are now an SOP because it doesn't matter anymore. You can't remember what you outlined or where you put it.

You might be a PM if your editor/agent understands (read: is scared to death) and sends offerings of chocolate once a month.

You might be a PM if you've come up with a great line for this column but you can't REMEMBER IT!

Well, there you have it. Give it try. Add some of your own. I'm telling you there's a book in here somewhere.


christa said...

You might be a PM if you start sobbing when your main character says the word, "baby."

. . .if you read this column and understand every one of these. . .

Myra Johnson said...

Girls, I am way past PM and moving right along on journey through plain ol' M. WIMPS!!!!